SPEAKER_00 0:00

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SPEAKER_03 0:11

Hello, friends. I am Cindy Thompson and this is a resilience project. This is a space where stories are shared and possibilities are discovered. I invite you to partner with me in cultivating resilience among humans one conversation at a time. Knowing that many of you are tired, frustrated, and experiencing some degree of burnout from the pandemic, I wanted to do an episode that would speak to you. I have talked with several clients over the past year and a half about the very real roller coaster emotions and the variety of challenges for each of them personally and for their children. Parents have a natural tendency to guilt themselves anyway, always trying to meet that invisible bar and unrealistic expectations. Then add in the unique elements of raising children through a pandemic. There's just no handbook that tells you how to explain to your child why birthday parties could not happen, how to support young people when graduations were revamped, or navigating homeschooling while working from home. I knew this topic called for someone special. I think you're going to appreciate the very candid, authentic, and refreshing approach Dr. Jodi Carrington brings to the topic of resilience. Over the past 15 years, Dr. Jodi Carrington has assessed, treated, educated, and empowered some of the most vulnerable and precious souls on the planet. She is a child psychologist by trade, but as you will learn, Jodi rarely treats kids. She believes the answer lies in the big people who hold them. This is especially the case when kids have experienced trauma, as what they really need is the adults in their life to care for them the most. In this episode, Dr. Jodi Carrington shares her recommended strategies for moving from burnout to recovery and eventually working towards adjustment and grief. With so many changes, losses, and unknowns, we as humans will need time to honor all that has happened to us over the past year and a half. Jodi recommends in some cases mental health concerns could be on the radar for the next few years. Dialing into what happens when we are in a heightened state of arousal, Jodi validates what is real, relatable, and affirming to many. Likewise, yes. That would be just the ideal to actually be sitting and having a conversation in person.

SPEAKER_02 3:08

By an ocean, if we could wing that. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 3:11

By the ocean, absolutely. Well, you just gotta come over.

SPEAKER_02 3:14

Yeah, I'm on my way.

SPEAKER_03 3:15

Okay. So, Jody, let's dive into supporting parents right now. I have been really thinking about how we can bolster up parents who are tired and somewhat burnt out during the pandemic with kids going to school, not going to school, going on certain days, Zoom sessions, navigating homework, how to help them with projects. There's been a lot that parents have been carrying and trying to help their kids cope as well. I'm wondering what thoughts you have on how we could bolster them up at this time.

SPEAKER_02 3:49

Well, I think sometimes what we try to do is, you know, fix it or just come up with strategies right away to sort of get us through the hard times. I think one of the biggest steps that we miss, and we often miss this with our kids too, is just really this idea of holding space, of just acknowledging. Let's just really take a look at why might we be burnt out right now or feel like we want to throw punch people or really question about, like, you know, our parenting skills in this moment. This pandemic and now it is significant conversations around systemic oppression that are long overdue. All of these things are heavy on our hearts in this moment. As parents, I mean, when we talk about 215 children, which is just the surface, yes. We identify with the potential of that pain. We identify with just who we are, what we are, all of those things are big, huge questions right now. And at the heart of everything, I think we try to behaviorialize our way out of things. And so we've all been raised this way of, you know, how do we just switch our behaviors so that we'll do better? How do we go for a run or drink more water or journal or do all those things? Which we know, even from a research perspective, is beautiful and important. But there's a step in the middle that we got to do first before we can even get to the action stage. And I think behaviorism has really sort of messed us up a little bit in this way. Because even as a child psychologist, I have spent a lot of time learning about behaviorism and cognitive behavioral work and how do you reward the good stuff and consequence the bad stuff and get into this really great place. That theory, in and of itself, when we're speaking about kids and families, is dumb because it's based on what we learn from a rat and a pigeon.

unknown 5:31

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 5:32

And it is currently what our entire justice system is built on, our education system is built on. And what it doesn't take into account is that we have a prefrontal cortex. That's the difference between rats and pigeons and humans, is that we have a prefrontal cortex that requires a relationship and an acknowledgement because we're wired for connection. And so our Indigenous peoples have taught us that for years, and we were only beginning to listen now that when you acknowledge pain and hurt and the land on which you stand, we will rise. And if you miss that acknowledgement space, we can't. And so I think what's incredibly important is really the heart of everything I've learned about kids, which is emotional regulation is the heart of everything we do. Okay. So the definition of emotional regulation is how not to lose your friggin' mind. If you have one job to teach your kids, if you're a parent or a cookum or an auntie or a grandparent, our biggest job is to teach them the skill of emotional regulation. The rest of it, how to make friends, do well in school, be kind to the world, will all fall according to their ability to stay calm in times of distress. And the only way you teach a child how to regulate emotion is you have to show them. Yes. You cannot tell them. So big people become the most important people on the planet. I, as a child psychologist, I rarely treat kids. I always, always want the big people. And so this is what I appreciate about your podcast is really how do we help parents through this time? I mean, right now, I just really want to put it into context for everybody that we're tired. Yes. We've been in a heightened state of arousal for 15 months. And so when we talk about emotional dysregulation, if we want to even put it for you and me as parents, I think how our babies learn it is when you bring a baby home from the hospital, they let you know what they need by losing their friggin' minds. And us big people, we walk them home. It's based on this quote that I often say by a guy named Ram Das. You can probably see it over my shoulder here. She says, this most profound statement in the human language, he said, We are all just here walking each other home. I love that. Isn't that fantastic? We are all just here walking each other home. And that is the job of big people is just to walk babies through hard things. And often we're better with other people's children. True. Yeah. Yes. So if your children came to my house, I would be all excited and interested. And if they demanded what's for supper, I would be like, oh, well, what do you feel like? If my kid said, what's for supper, I would be like, what? Watch it. Don't take that to me. And I'd be thinking, like, he's got drunk Uncle Mark's genes, and clearly he's going to jail. And like all these things start to go in my head, which really inhibits my capacity to stay regulated. And the only way our babies stay regulated is if we look after ourselves enough to give ourselves some grace. Know that most of the time we will be dysregulated because we have so much on our plates these days, in the average day. But now we have a global pandemic and we've been teaching from home, worried about our safety. And all the catching places like wings on Wednesday night or Kirch on Sunday or curling uh with the girls on Tuesday evening, all of those have had to be suspended for the physical safety of our communities. Not only is our job remained difficult, it's become even more scary. And we've taken out those things that we used to fill our soul a wee bit to keep us in the game. So we should be tired right now. True.

SPEAKER_03 8:56

Yes. Well, and parents tend to guilt themselves so much anyway that we're always questioning did we do this enough? Are we doing that enough? Have I spent enough time with my kids? And they're also tired. The kids are tired as well, and trying to navigate this in their own way. So I appreciate the idea of modeling it, but also honoring what is going on for us first and being able to even acknowledge that to our children.

SPEAKER_02 9:25

Yeah, and I think perception is a function of experience. I mean, I'll say that again. Perception is a function of experience. And so when you are eight and you can't go out and play with your friends, or when you know you're in grade 12 and you don't get to graduate, it is soul crushing. Now, when you're the mom and you're a first responder or a nurse or a teacher and you're exhausted and you say, hey, listen, be grateful. At least we can have a graduation and at least we got these things. It becomes really difficult, right? Because to acknowledge her pain is to understand her perception, which is her story and where she's at, requires that ability to have grace and empathy and all of those things that you only have access to when you're regulated. We lose access to all of those things when we're losing our friggin' minds.

SPEAKER_03 10:14

Absolutely. Yes. Well, and I love that we need to just be human. We need to really honor that it's relative, it's not a competition about who's got it harder, but to just meet people where they're at is what I hear in what you're saying. That if we acknowledge, like you said, a grade 12 student who doesn't get to have the graduation ceremony and their grief around that is real. And even if myself, say if I'm a nurse working on the front lines, it doesn't seem that big of a deal compared to what I'm dealing with every day. We can't compare. We need to really honor what each person's experience is and where they're at.

SPEAKER_02 10:54

Totally. And I think so much of this is so hard for us right now, Cindy, because we're to be able to honor another means we have to be honored ourselves. You can't give away what you haven't received. And for a very long time, none of us have received anything from anybody because we just were done. And I'll tell you, the numbers are really reflecting that right now in this country. Divorce rates are increasing by 30% this time over last year. Wow. Domestic violence numbers are up. And what that says to me is that in the homes of our neighbors and for us as well, there is a dysregulation that's palpable. And that will show up in our emergency rooms, that will show up in our schools, that will show up in our police associations. Those will be things where we walk people home, typically as educators or first responders, there's going to be a heightened state of arousal. And the answer is not to pour more resources into the people we're serving. It's about pouring more resources into the people who do the serving to understand and to stay regulated and to give them a context so that when you have the one losing their minds, you understand where they're coming from. It doesn't condone support or entrust that they're making good choices. It is, I now understand that I'm the walker.

SPEAKER_04 12:09

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 12:10

When you step into this role as a parent, nobody talks about that. We're one generation out of this. Kids should be seen and not heard. You want them to be respectable and use their manners and be kind and have be listened the only way you learn all those things is when you lose your mind first. Your job of your children is to actually lose their minds. The worse they are at home with you, typically, if you ever hear this as a parent, your kid is so amazing. And you think, oh my God, if they only knew, if they only saw what happened last night, that's exactly what I want to hear. Because you're filling them up enough to then conduct themselves well at school or to conduct themselves well with the friends, and they're coming into you to fall apart.

SPEAKER_03 12:48

I love that. Oh my gosh, that's so validating. Because I often thought about our daughter who would have a meltdown every day after school when she was in middle school or elementary school. And often because she was holding it together so much at school, and she was always an anxious kid that she would experience everything in a big way, but then come home. And that was her safe place to do that. And it can feel personal as a parent. Like, how come I get the worst of the worst?

SPEAKER_02 13:17

Yeah, it often is like, Mom, you're the dumbest, and shut up, dad. Are you kidding me right now? All I do for you. And their job is to get dysregulated. Our job is to walk them home. And so again, it really attests to this idea that we need to look after the big people, not the kids. Like I've assessed and treated over a thousand kids in this country. Stuart Schenker talks about this too. I've never not one time met a bad kid.

SPEAKER_04 13:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

I've met a lot of dysregulated kids. I've a lot of I've met a lot of kids with significant trauma histories. And all of us have generational trauma to some degree. And how that plays out depends on how the people who we are surrounded with to walk us through the dysregulation.

unknown 13:55

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 13:56

Yeah. So it gives parents permission to not have to fix it, to be able to just hold that space for their kids to have that meltdown if they need to, or honor that they had a hard day or that they're really overwhelmed right now. But also to know that you as the parent, you don't have to come up with some magic wand and you don't have to worry about them just because they're feeling some big feelings.

SPEAKER_02 14:21

Oh my gosh, absolutely. And I guess here's the thing like there's sort of a two-step process because I think parents get a little bit worried, or I get a little bit worried when it's like, what do you mean we're just supposed to like feel the emotions and like love and that's dumb? You do come up the other side. I mean, as parents, we always will solve problems and fix things and do those things. I guess what I really want to focus on is that middle space of holding space before you try to fix too soon. There's three phrases that I use all the time that allow me to hold space. And I use them as a leader and as a wife and in all of my roles, and like when I'm good, which means I do this about 30% of the time. So I don't mean to sound like I'm doing. So I screw it up 70% of the time, but 30% is all we need. Here's the three words. I always say this when my kids are losing their mind the most, tell me more. I have to say tell me more when I don't want to know more. Okay. When my husband is like, What? I am exhausted. What do you mean? Tell me more. Because I want to fix it. I want to usually say things like, You're exhausted. I got puke in my bra. I don't know where the two-year-old is, and you were the one who wanted three, not me. You know, things like that.

unknown 15:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 15:26

So when you can pause in that moment and just say things like, tell me more. I often ask my kids this when they're really dysregulated, is what's the hardest part? What's the hardest part right now? And I don't want that. I don't want to know that answer. If my kid comes home and you know, he said, I didn't play with anybody today, I sat by myself in the corner. I want to fix that really quick. I want to say things like, uh, what? What do you mean you sat in the corner, honey? What's wrong with you? Get out and play with some kids. Or I say, What? Who was on supervision today? Is there any big people in this school? Like, what the hell? I want to fix it right away because I don't want him to be in pain. And so the last thing I want is the answer to this question. What's the hardest part? Because he'll say, I just feel like I'm a loser mom. Like, what if I never have any friends? Oh, you know, that that's not what we want. Heartbreaking. Right. But holding of that space is where the processing happens. So tell me more, what's the hardest part? And as a leader, I ask this all the time, which I hate this question too, is what am I missing? So those are some big holding space things that allow me to then gather more information and often gather my own thoughts. This is a Palmer quote. A guy by the name P-A-L-M-E-R said this the human soul does not want to be fixed or saved, it merely wants to be witnessed.

SPEAKER_03 16:40

Beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

And that's something.

SPEAKER_03 16:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:43

And that's that feels like a Bob Goff does it like ism. Yeah. But it's really that idea of don't underestimate your power because it isn't in actually the solutions and strategies that you come up with 90% of the time. It's actually your ability to slow down enough and be very clear about what this is all about.

SPEAKER_03 17:05

Mm-hmm. So helping our kids to be seen, heard, and understood is in those steps. And in that, you're first of all gathering information and then being able to gather your own thoughts on what else do we need to do, but not till you've held space for that.

SPEAKER_02 17:23

100%.

SPEAKER_03 17:24

Yeah, lovely. Well, and it makes me think that we as parents need that as well. Like you're a mom of three kids. And where do you get that filled up for you? How do you get that space held where you get to be seen, heard, and understood in what you've been going through as well?

SPEAKER_02 17:42

I do three things every day. And this is the next book that I'm writing. So this is great that I get to talk this out. What's important to me is the word connection. And so everything that I write about and talk about is always comes back to connection. But what I'm discovering is an even more powerful word is reconnection. Because connection is actually the easy part. You know, waving at your neighbor, buying coffee for the fellow behind you, going on that second date, oh, that initial connection is so lovely. You know what's hard? The reconnection. When things have fallen apart, when there is a disruption in your relationship, you've had a fight, your best friend didn't call, or they invited everybody to golf except you, or your husband has said some things that you're like, what in the name? I don't even know who you are. How do we repair? becomes one of this most significant things. And in fact, there's research around this. John and Julie Gottman have done the most formidable marital research on the planet. And John would say this after 45 years of doing marital research, the biggest single predictor of couples who make it and couples that don't is not how much you fight or how alike you are, any of those things. It is your capacity to repair. And it is this idea of reconnection that really is, you know, matters most to me. So if I think about this as an individual level, if I'm going to have the capacity to repair with my children or my husband or my team, I need to be able to reconnect to three things in me first every single day. And for me, it is my people, my breath, and my why.

SPEAKER_03 19:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 19:08

And I put those three things on repeat every single day.

SPEAKER_03 19:11

How do you carve out space? Because I have a feeling you're a very busy lady.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

Yeah, I mean, I think so many of us are, right? And it's this idea that, you know, sometimes when I'm more regimented about it, I know the benefits of that. I think I just try to remind myself every single day about how important it is to touch space with one somebody who are my people. Now, you have to wear a bra or do your hair. They're not your people. If you can't go over to their house and crack a beer and sit there for three hours and say nothing and not feel like you should leave, those are your people. If you've been on the floor and pile of snot and laundry is everywhere, that's your people. So there's a very select few of those. And sometimes they're no longer on this planet. So one of my best friends on this planet um lost your battle to cancer 18 months ago, 44 years old. And the beautiful thing about having Rhea in heaven is that I always have access to her.

SPEAKER_03 20:06

Oh, nice.

SPEAKER_02 20:07

I love that. People often say this that heavy is the head that wears the crown. It's lonely at the top. You know, you feel really isolated. And Mayan Zalou had this very beautiful take on this. She said, I have never ever, every time I step on stage, I never feel alone because I am taking my ancestors with me. Everywhere I go, I am taking my people with me. And so I understand that when I step onto a stage or have a hard conversation with somebody, the comfort is in knowing that I have my people, the ones who know my character and my intention. And so it allows me to stay, you know, in the game. And I was just like, oh, there it is. The reconnection to your people on a daily basis. And it's very much found for me in number two, which is connecting to my breath. And I am not these days, Cindy. I will tell you, a woo-woo. I'm a farm girl from Alberta. You know what I mean? That's the deal.

SPEAKER_01 21:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 21:03

And people want me to be getting rocks and stones and light and incense out in Parksville there. They're very woo-woo. You got all the things. And I am becoming so much of a woo-woo the older I get because there is such a spiritual component to your breath and to settling into the truth that exists already. And I don't have access to that when I'm breathing like this. Oh my God, what's on my list? What do I have to do? Oh my god, my kid is doing this. It's like this. And you relax your jaw and you drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth and you wiggle your toes. If you do that as often as you can in the run of a day, that is what it feels like to be in a con body. There we can process anything. The hardest of cases, the biggest of divorces, the hardest of Death and trauma and all of those things from that place, we're wired for all of this. And so when I'm in that place with my people and my breath, then it is very clear why I'm on this planet.

SPEAKER_03 22:13

What can people have? I could even just see you as you took that breath and you were remembering that piece, your whole body shifted and your voice changed. I wish that people could see you, but I'm sure they're going to hear that in this episode. And it's a great demonstration of how that manifests in our bodies, how it calms our minds. And you were a beautiful example of that. And I love the sense that even those who have passed, that we can feel their presence. We can still feel like they are there with us, that we can tap into the wisdom they would have given us in that moment, or the energy, or the support. I really appreciate that perspective in helping us maybe find a sense of comfort. Because a lot of people lost family, friends in the last year and a half. And you would have lost your good friend just prior to the pandemic then. And that would have been very, very tough.

SPEAKER_02 23:11

And I think here's the thing we forget, right? It's the great equalizer. Death and loss, it pays no mind to age or socioeconomic status or gender identity or religion or race. It's the great equalizer. We can all attune to this idea of grief. And grief is that inexplicable, undeniable response to loss that we all have. It's universal. Mourning is very different. It is how we heal. And mourning is in the stories and in the breath and in the reconnection. And that is the place of healing, right?

SPEAKER_04 23:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 23:45

And I don't think we talk about it enough. I don't think we talk about because every single one of your listeners right now, when I say, hang on to the person who is no longer here, just get them in your mind in this moment, who you miss the most, who taught you the most, who you'd love to have a cup of tea with tomorrow. Every single one of us can get that person in our heads. It's a universal experience.

SPEAKER_03 24:05

And it's through that that we are able to hang on to that connection because we don't lose our memories. Just because we've lost that person, we don't lose our memories and our experiences together.

SPEAKER_02 24:15

You know, Mitch Album has this beautiful quote in Tuesdays with Maury. He says, Death ends a life, not a relationship.

SPEAKER_03 24:22

So good.

SPEAKER_02 24:23

Isn't it good?

SPEAKER_03 24:24

So good. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 24:26

I know.

SPEAKER_03 24:26

Jodi, I love that we're talking about grief because it this segues nicely to another kind of grief that I've been thinking about the last few days in transitions, that we have to let go of something to move into the next thing. And people have been adapting in the last 15 months or so anyway. But I want to honor that as our world opens up again and people go back to work and parents go back to work in the office or where they might have been working, and kids then go back to school perhaps in the fall on a full-time basis. It may start gradually, it may be full-time. But there's a grief that comes with no longer having what we have had as our status quo and changing again. And I just wanted to maybe pull that out as a piece of grief for people as well to honor that.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. I agree a hundred percent with that. I think that's brilliant. And I think wherever loss lives, grief will follow. My friend Jeremy Allen says that he's a funeral director here in Alberta. He has this whole platform called Death Ed. And he is just brilliant. And I think, you know, we often attribute death to that ultimate experience of grief. But wherever loss lives, grief will follow. And we've lost a lot. We've given up a lot, particularly over this pandemic. And so the acknowledgement of that, as we, you know, talked about at the beginning of our talk today, is really where the answer is. Because oftentimes there's no fixing that. Oftentimes there's no answer. There's no strategy or solution that says, okay, we're going to do this, we're going to do this. The answer, the fix, the strategy is in the acknowledgement.

SPEAKER_03 26:00

And I think what you were saying earlier will fit nicely there. Because when the kids have to go back full time and they might be complaining about having to go every day, because that'll be another adjustment. And for parents to really honor that that is a difficult transition back when they're used to being home and sleeping in, getting more sleep, waking up in time to maybe join that Zoom session. You know, it is an adjustment again. And it's an adjustment for us as adults who are then also acknowledging for ourselves that it can be hard to go back and commute back to work every day.

SPEAKER_02 26:35

A hundred percent. And I think it's like, again, there's no fixing, there's no alternative in in so many of these times. The job is now we're going back to school. But how we do that becomes really, really critical. How we hold space for just to regulate so that we can then walk into school with our shoulders down versus like, get out of the car.

SPEAKER_03 26:54

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 26:55

You know, that's the trick. And it is the trick. It's always so much easier to talk about it than it is to really execute it. And I think that's the universal experience as well.

SPEAKER_03 27:06

Yeah. So as parents, we can just say, yeah, this adjustment is hard and acknowledge it. And also then to be able to be mindful of what we need in those moments, to be easy on ourselves, knowing that we might be more tired, the kids might be more tired, it's more stimulation than they've had in a while. There's a lot to that. So I just wanted to put that out there as maybe part of the grief aspect in when we're letting go of one thing. It can have a grief response, but we wouldn't think of it as grief in those moments.

SPEAKER_01 27:37

Right, exactly. Exactly. And I think it that's what it is.

SPEAKER_03 27:42

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 27:43

Grief also makes us tired. It does. Well, I don't know how you feel about this in your practice, but it is like I hear this so much these days of like, I'm just so tired. I don't know why I'm so tired. And I feel like the fallout of this pandemic, we haven't even begun to see. And I hate to say this because people are like, what? We're barely hanging on. But I think the mental health ramifications or fallout, you know, we will witness inextricably in the next two to three years. And that'll manifest in things like burnout, but I also a significant rise in mental health concerns because we will be unclear about why we're so tired or irritable or exhausted or we don't have our compassion, you know, as we used to. And so much of this really comes from being in a heightened state of arousal. It's it's like a PTSD. You know, oftentimes when I treat first responders in this way, it's like that we don't understand like why now. Like I've I've been off on medical leave for three years, or I've been out of the force for five years. Why is it now kicking me in the ass? Because when you have been in a heightened state of arousal for 15 months or 15 years, the body keeps the score. And the amygdala doesn't know when you say, okay, I'm taking the stressor away. Okay, we've now been vaccinated, we're good. Or we've now put you on stress leave, you're good. No. Then the body goes, I don't believe you. And it stays in a heightened state of arousal and then has to pay that price to get back for days, months, weeks, years after.

SPEAKER_03 29:07

So, what can people do to help their bodies learn that we're okay now? Do you have some thoughts on how people can work that through?

SPEAKER_02 29:15

Yeah, it always comes back to the reconnection for me. First of all, I mean, you can't fix anybody else in this moment unless we spend some time thinking about what we're doing for ourselves, right? And I mean, highest state of affairs is really like absolutely drink your water, go for runs, move your body, do whatever that takes, journal. That's a high standard right now. And I think sometimes it's daunting to think, oh my gosh, I gotta do all of that. No, no, no. We've been in a pandemic. Don't move fast here. We are gonna ambush our bodies very slowly. All I want you to think about today is one more glass of water, one more bottle of water. Just 10 minutes on the treadmill, five minute walk outside. Don't be ridiculous. Have an apple. Yes. Do one thing, next best right kind thing. And that allows us to get back in. Because I think so many of us, particularly, you know, people who are prone to listen to podcasts, I'm sure there's data set on this somewhere, is we're all or nothing kind of people. It's like, you know, I used to be able to run a 10K, that was my little run, right? I trained for the death race. I've done the Sinister Seven. I haven't ran most of the pandemic. So when I say to myself, like, I'm gonna go for a run and I can't even make her down the block, I'm like, this is dumb. I'm going back to one. So I feel like how do we give ourselves grace in this process of sort of recovering, which I think is really critically important right now?

SPEAKER_03 30:34

Yeah, good point. I love that. And it's just a way of remembering that it's the little things. Small things add up to big changes. And so if we're patient with ourselves, compassionate towards ourselves. And like you said, to reconnect with people as well, eventually, once we look after ourselves. And for those extroverts out there, that's how they might look after themselves by reconnecting with people, being able to go for a walk with a friend, not just be home with the kids. They need other adults, perhaps, or to look forward to going back to the office so they can see their coworkers. For the introverts, they've been doing maybe a little better because they get to just be home and not have to be with so many people. So it's knowing what you need as well.

SPEAKER_02 31:19

Yeah, I think you're so right. And I think this is a bit of a contradiction to what we just said, but the Nagoski sisters have written a book called Burnout, which is phenomenal. Yes. And what they really talk about is moving forward in the next days, weeks, and months really isn't about so much about self-care as it is in caring for others. And what I mean by that is really turning our focus outwards into how do we as communities and cities and institutions heal. It's not one person is singly responsible for that. It is all of us doing the next kind thing. All you'll do today, in addition to having one glass of water, is give somebody a compliment, one person. I don't really care how they take it, but it's really about what that does for you. Your oxytocin increases, your cortisol decreases, even if it's a temporary fix, right? One of the biggest things I love to do is put notes on the cars at our local uh detachment. There's the police fire and the MS are all in the same thing. I don't know any of the members here very much, but just writing a note to say thank you so much. I know this has been a hard season. I hope you're having an amazing day. And you tuck it under a windshield and you drive away. Yeah?

SPEAKER_03 32:25

Yes, I love it.

SPEAKER_02 32:26

What happens to you is so much more significant. How they receive it, maybe the wind takes it, I don't even know. But just if you only knew the power of that, not only can it change a life, it can save it.

SPEAKER_03 32:37

Yeah, beautiful. It's that thoughtfulness of not just ourselves too, but it's about how can I make a difference in a small way to somebody else? And last year, one of my goals was to write 365 thank you notes because I read this article where this lady said, you know, she'd written all these gratitude journals, but then they just sit in a drawer. But she wanted to be able to express to people what she was grateful for. So I started it at the beginning of last year, even though I had to put a hold on it because it got really busy. I was in the coaching program at Royal Roads University and life got really, really crazy, and I got maybe four or five months in. But I didn't beat myself up. I just really recognized how much those five months did mean to people, and I was surprised by the notes I got back and how much it meant to them that they were surprised by and I was surprised by. And I'm hoping to continue, even if I didn't get it all done in one year, I'm hoping to still continue finding reasons to send that note out. And it's amazing what that brought for me as well.

SPEAKER_02 33:41

Oh, I bet. I bet. I love that. Yeah, I really love that. Those handwritten notes, there's really something to them that I think is really powerful and worth it.

SPEAKER_03 33:50

Yeah. But it's an example where we might feel like we don't have a lot of energy for that sort of thing. But if we just carve out a bit of time, it might take five minutes to write that little note and leave it on the card at the detachment or for the fire department. Knowing that you can just acknowledge it to somebody, the work that they're doing or the teachers that are teaching our kids, helping to fill them up, knowing how exhausted they are.

SPEAKER_02 34:15

Right. And again, that's just it. Like, don't underestimate. I mean, stop at the grocery store. Like, if you have a sticky note at your house, just do it and see what happens for you. And I think that that's the critical piece in this process. And as we're kind of getting back into whatever this is gonna look like, I know that the emotion is gonna be big. That's the one thing I know for sure is that everybody is going to be wondering what's wrong with them. And Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey just uh released a book called What Happened to You? And I think that's really the question that we gotta be asking ourselves right now, right? Is like what happened to us? I mean, many people have been through many things, but as a globe, we've been through a lot. So how do we, how do we honor that?

SPEAKER_03 34:56

Yeah. Well, and Jody, I love the work that you're doing. I just so appreciate the message that you give that you are sharing this love with so many. You are walking many people home in the work that you're doing, in the books that you're writing, and just really helping people be seen, heard, and understood as well.

SPEAKER_02 35:16

Yes. Oh, well, it's been just such an honor. And it has kept me so sane and grateful in this process of this pandemic. It is a purpose like no other. So I am grateful as well.

SPEAKER_03 35:27

Wonderful. Well, and is there any last tidbit that you'd like to share with our listeners on resilience before we close for today?

SPEAKER_02 35:36

Yeah, I just think that what's so critically important in this process is never underestimating our power of just acknowledging each other. Because when you're acknowledged, you will rise. And I want you to test that out as much as you can with your children and your partners and the people closest to you, because it's so crazy. The people we love the most are suspicious when we're kind. So sending a text to your partner or somebody who you share children with, if you're co-parenting with somebody, just to say something as simple as, I don't know if I tell you this enough, but you matter to me. And you just hit send, and what happens in that little act of acknowledgement will come back usually a hundredfold.

SPEAKER_03 36:17

I agree a hundred percent. Let me thank you again for taking some time to share your thoughts with our listeners today.

SPEAKER_02 36:24

Thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_03 36:27

My pleasure. I believe we should never stop learning from people like Jody. I have met a number of inspiring people over the years, but I have a special affinity to those who are relatable, real, and speak to what feels true. I will never forget as a young mom standing next to another mom at the YMCA as we watched our kids at the daycare. We had never spoken before, but the first thing she said to me was, How about that labor? It was at that moment that I knew she was my kind of people. It's in those real life connections that we can feel validated. There were just so many juicy aspects to this conversation with Jodi. I really connected to the quote by Ram Das, an American spiritual leader in the 1960s and 70s, that suggests we are all just walking one another home. This quote really speaks to connection for me. And as Jodi pointed out, we have been in a heightened state of arousal for the past year and a half and need to support one another through this. So here are some highlights that stood out for me from this conversation with Jodi. There were just so many rich learnings. First of all, we need to look after ourselves, having self-compassion and grace while reminding ourselves that it's okay to rest and slow down our expectations and pace. Secondly, perception is a function of experience. We are not in a competition with one another. In hearing your child's experience of their story, we have an opportunity to understand the pain and to honor the story. Just listening to your child's experience will allow them to feel heard. And of course, this also works for adults as well. Number three, your child's job is to become dysregulated at times, and your job as the parent or caregiver is to walk them home. Number four, when listening to your child, try on some of these responses. Tell me more. What is the hardest part about that right now? And what am I missing? Just holding that space is where the processing occurs. Number five, don't underestimate your power. When you acknowledge, they rise. Number six, connection and reconnection. When there is a disruption in our connection, we need to have the capacity to repair, to heal and reconnect with one another. But first, we need to connect to ourselves. Jodi uses a few of these examples. Find your people, connecting to your breath every day, and finding your why. As we recover and heal from the pandemic and the ripples associated with our experiences, we need to ambush our bodies slowly. Just do the next right thing. Thank you so much, Dr. Jody Carrington, for sharing your learnings with us. And here are a final few questions for you to consider. In what way have you felt others are walking you home? Who are your people that you trust that will stand by you no matter how messy life might seem at the moment? What are the expectations or judgments that you can let go of yourself today? And in doing so, what is the one next right thing you could just focus on for now? Finally, who are the people you would like to acknowledge for doing their best today? As a parent or caregiver, I want you to pick up the phone and I want you to call someone today, maybe even another parent, and let them know how much you admire and appreciate their determination, strength, and resiliency. Thank you for listening to this episode of a resilience project. We would not be doing this podcast without you. If you or someone you know has an inspirational story or is helping to build resilience in their community, please email me at cindy at a resilienceproject.com. In fact, email me either way. I would love to hear from you. My hope is to feature an episode periodically on your letters of resilience. I'm very interested in hearing your story of how you have tackled hard things and what worked for you. With your permission, I hope to share some of these stories along the way with our listeners. Also, check out my website, arresilienceproject.com, to learn more about our amazing guests. Your presence here is important because together we are cultivating a village of resilient individuals. You are creating the space for their stories to be shared and the sacred space for learning to occur. I also have a favor. I would love for you to go to your preferred podcast platform, rate, and review the podcast so that we will know how we're doing. I also would like to express my gratitude to the amazing team of volunteers that have jumped on board to support this project. You will find each of those beautiful people on my website on the team page. As you go about this week, I invite you to think about one way that you can continue to grow your resilient muscle. What is one thing you can start with today? See you next week.

SPEAKER_00 42:19

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